What You Want to Know (Part Four)

 Can You Support and Care For a Child? 

I know that kids are (really) expensive.  I've spent some serious time doing math and trying to account for the costs of diapers and formula in the early years, plus the costs of the inevitable medical and dental expenses.  It will be tight at times, and I know I'm going to have to cut back on luxuries but a child will be worth the sacrifice.  (For what it's worth, the home study also reviews my finances and makes sure I will be able to afford at least the basics.)

A Mint article based on USDA research says that the biggest expenses are housing, food, education/child care, transportation, healthcare, miscellaneous, and clothing.  For my part, housing won't change with or without a child, so that's one I'm not counting. Food costs will go up, especially during the formula years, but once they're on regular food it will be easier, if a bit more expensive.  Healthcare will go up, so I'm preparing for that.  Child Care does worry me just because of the costs, but I've got a plan for that in the form of my mom helping out so I don't have as many days to pay for child care.  Transportation concerns are far enough down the road that I'm not going to plan that out. 

To prepare and cut back on some of the expenses, I've already started buying things in preparation for the baby.  I have a few boxes of diapers and wipes- a variety of diaper brands so we can figure out what works best for them, but I'm only buying "natural" unscented wipes since a baby's skin is so sensitive; I have a handful of onesies and other baby clothes; I have a half dozen different baby bottle brands, since I've read that's something that babies might be picky about too.  I actually wanted to start to stockpile formula too, but given the recent shortages I've held off on that to make sure those who need it can actually get it- it's another one that baby could be picky about too, anyway.  

The biggest purchase I've made was the car seat- the one I wanted was highly rated for safety and also high in cost, so when it went on sale I grabbed it.  (You have to have a car seat to leave the hospital with the baby anyway, I just have to figure out how to get it to wherever you are.)  

I've been very lucky that family members have started sending me hand me downs and such too.  I have a crib and a car seat from my cousin C that her kids have out grown.  The car seat has expired, but I'll trade it in at Target when they do their big sale.  (You get a coupon for a discount if you trade in old car seats.)  I have another car seat from Aunt C, whose granddaughter has outgrown it, that I'll leave with my parents, since they're going to be babysitting often.  Aunt A's grandkids are a bit older so she didn't send much for babies, but she did send down some books and toys for toddlers.  

Graduation Day! with my baby brother.  (Yes, my hat's on backwards, but I didn't realize that until too late!)

Higher ed is expensive, so I've already been thinking about that too.  My goal is to start an education account for the child as soon as they are born.  My aunts are doing that for their grandchildren and my parents are contributing to those funds at Christmas and birthdays instead of doing gifts, so I think they would probably do the same for my little one too.  Ideally it will be something that they can use for college or for a trade school or whatever will help them most when they have finished high school.  (I'd like my child to want to go to college, but I know it's not for everyone, so I would be happy if they went into a trade if that worked better for them.)

Obviously, I can't plan for everything.  I can't predict the future to know how much diapers will cost when the baby comes along, or when they'll make the transition to potty training so I can cut that cost out.  But I do want you to know that I'm thinking about these things, and planning for it as best as I can.  

What You Want to Know (Part 3)

 What are you like as a person? 

I think this is the hardest question to answer.  A big reason I started this blog is because I don't feel like my personality comes across in my profile, as hard as I tried.  I threw my heart into it, so I do feel like it's true to me, but I also feel like that's only one part of me.

Hopefully by reading this you get a better feel for who I am.

A few things: 

I'm an introvert.  I enjoy spending time with my friends and family, and doing things, but I do best when I have time to myself afterwards to recover.  I've managed to train my friends and family to know that I'm happy to do whatever they need on Monday through Saturday, but Sundays are my day to stay home and recover from too much people-ness.  (It also gives me a day to do all of the house cleaning and other chores that I don't get to during the week.)  

I like teaching people.  If I know something, I like helping others learn how to do something, or just helping them on their own learning path.  My favorite part of work is when someone new comes in and I get to help guide them on how to learn insurance.  

I like helping others.  I mentioned in my profile that I'm the backup-backup-tech person at the office, and that's still true.  It makes me feel good when I'm able to go in and fix someone's monitors or swap out a cable so that they can get on with their day.  I am definitely the type to put my shopping cart back, and to hold the door for people who are coming behind me.  (Though it does drive me crazy when men just refuse to go through a door because a woman is holding it open for them.)

I have no fashion sense, and never have.  Jeans and a shirt are good enough for me- unless i can get away with wearing PJ pants!  I grow my hair out until I get tired of it, then chop off 10 inches or more, pretty much on a whim.  (I've donated my hair to Wigs for Kids and similar organizations at least four times.  Right now my hair is long enough to reach my elbows, so I'm probably due again soon.)  I don't usually bother with makeup- it's expensive and I just don't have a talent for dealing with it.  

If you're a personality profile type of person, I am "Green" on the Insights profile.  The profile I took was sponsored by my workplace, but I was very surprised by how accurately it describes me in my work life and in my personal life.  The category is called Earth Green, and the idea that it picks out some of your general energies, and helps you relate to others by pointing out their energies and preferences.  Green means I tend towards being introverted and more of a feeler than a thinker, both of which are very true to me.  Specifically I fall into the "Supporter" category, which is, I feel, dead on.  (In short - Can't we all just get along?)

Obviously I'm more motivated to tell you about my good side, but I do have some bad habits that I'll admit to.  

If it something important to me, and I feel like I'm right, then you will never change my mind.  Change the subject and move on, because I am digging in and it would take the end of the world to change my mind.  This is not something that comes up all that often- I'm generally fairly easy going, particularly at work and in social situations.  But my parents could tell you stories!!

I am not very good at confrontation.  I will try to avoid it, and when I have to have it, I tend to get emotional and can't express myself well in the moment.  (Leading to replays in my mind for years and years afterwards where I deliver a stinging retort or a brilliant argument that would have swayed the other party in the moment.)

On the annoying but less important side of things- I let the dishes pile up in the sink.  I know, I know, it's a lazy habit, but when the dishwasher is clean it's such an annoying chore to unload it, so I put it off.  

I'm not the worlds best housekeeper.  I've gotten much better in my new house, since all the important stuff is on the main floor, but I may go a bit too long in between vacuuming.  (It helps that Mom and Dad live so close- my mother has no hesitation in saying that I'm a slob if she sees the house looking a bit too rough for her approval.)

I'm sure there are other things about me that I should mention, but it's really hard to figure out what is important enough to bring up.  Please feel free to reach out to me if you'd like to know more.  There's a link to my profile at the top of this page, and you can contact me through Lifelong by going to the bottom of that profile.  

What You Want to Know (Part Two)

Continuing on to the next question on Lifelong's list...

What is the situation with the rest of your family?

Adoption had come up over the years- Mom had hinted at it, I'd talked with people about it casually- but it was something I kept to myself for the most part while I was really thinking about it.  When I told Mom and Dad I was ready to get serious about it, I think that it was all they could do not to say "About time!!"  As Mom told me a few months later, she had to try very hard not to push me too much about it.  (I am one of those types who needs time to plan it out and consider things before making a big decision.  If someone is pushing me into something, I dig my heels in.  And Mom wants what is best for me and isn't afraid to say it, even if I'm not ready to hear it.)

That conversation was in December, and I spent the next few weeks researching companies and sorting out what the best path forward was.  Eventually, I found Lifelong and Mom and Dad have been with me all along, sitting in on calls and making sure I'm asking the right questions and not missing anything.  They've helped research things, they've helped me with my profile, gathered pictures, taken pictures, and helped with my video.  

They live very close by, and Mom is already planning to be my babysitter a few days a week for when the baby is here.  (Dad will help too- he is all in on this too.)

But they aren't the only ones who have been supportive.  Shortly after the initial call with Lifelong, I went down to Florida with my Mom and her two sisters to visit my brother.  Ronald does not want children of his own, but has always known I do- he's been 100% behind me the whole time.  (I've already picked out what the baby will wear the first time he gets to meet them- he actually laughed when he saw it on my registry list, despite his best efforts not to.)

My aunts and I in Florida on a trip to FL to see my brother.  (Okay, we're actually in AL here.)

Mom's side of the family- two aunts and their husbands, a total of four cousins and their four children were next on the list.  They've all been so excited to help.  Both aunts have sent me a lot of stuff for the baby, from hand-me-down books and toys to an extra car seat and a bassinet.  My uncles are happy for me too, they are just not as talkative about it.  Unfortunately one aunt and uncle relocated from living nearby to living out in Oregon, so I don't get to see them as much anymore, but we still talk and my aunt asks for updates every time.  

The cousins on that side of the family have been supportive too.  They're all fond of kids, and two of them have two each.  Cousin D lives in Texas with her husband and her 2 year old and one month old (New Year's baby!) but we usually catch up whenever she makes her way home to visit with the family.  I can't wait to meet the newest addition to the family!

The other three are still in state, but live all over.  J is the oldest cousin on that side, and has a boy and a girl of her own.  I grew up babysitting her, and it's still a bit odd sometimes to see her eight and six year old kids.  the highlight of my last summer was when the six year old stayed with me for a few days.  B was getting over being sick so was a bit quieter than normal, but we still had a great time together.  I am hoping to get another chance to see both kids (and their Mom) soon, but scheduling is always difficult.  

Cousins C and T are kind of like my uncles- if I'm happy for something, they're happy for me.  (But both are great with kids- Cousin C is a regular with J and her two kids, and Cousin T is all of the kids favorite.)

On Dad's side of the family, I have an uncle and his wife, and an aunt.  Aunt L had two children, my cousins T and J, who between them have seven children ranging from about 3 to 8.  T is my oldest cousin and I was a bridesmaid in her wedding.  She and her husband bought a house with my aunt (T's mom), and also with my grandfather, and they all lived together until he passed away.  

Having Bumpa staying with them brought us together after several years of intermittent contact, and I'm pleased to say that that side of the family is are much closer now than ever.  T has been super supportive in particular - she helped me with my profile, with filling out all of the home study paperwork, and just talking through a bunch of things.  She has also been kind enough to pass down a beautiful crib to me, and a few other odds and ends.  

Uncle R and Aunt K are childless by choice, but are, again, happy if I'm happy.  They've always been extremely supportive of all of us, though my uncle will admit that he much prefers children when they're older.  He's 100% okay with never having changed a diaper- but my young cousins all run to him and his wife when they're around.  They treat kids like mini adults in a good way, and the kids love it and them.  

We get together with that side of the family about once a month or so at least, and I love spending the time with all of them, but especially the kids.  Little Cousin A sat next to me at our last dinner, and we chatted and all through dinner.  I was very disappointed when we had to part ways for the night- she's a sweetheart.  (So are the other kids, but they wanted to sit by their mom, dad, and grandma so I didn't get to talk with them as much.  Though I did get smiles and hugs out of all of them when I gave them a piece of chocolate after dinner.)

All of my grandparents have passed away now, unfortunately, but I still have my Great Aunt S and Great Uncle D.  They are the sweetest old couple in the world.  Aunt S has crocheted several blankets through the years, and I'm hoping that she'll be able to make one for the baby- she does beautiful work.  I have two that she's made for me, and treasure them.

I think that sums up the family- they're all anxious for the an update from me, and want this to happen (almost) as much as I do.  

I have friends in a variety of life situations.  S adopted her oldest, and has been my sounding board for when I get frustrated by the process- she's been there and through this all before.  She and K, another friend, have heard more about it than most of my other friends simply because we work together and the opportunities to talk are more frequent.  They're both looking forward to meeting the baby, and are already offering to back me up if I need time off for the baby, or if I need to duck in and out of the office to run the baby around somewhere.  

D and M are also friends, and are totally in the loop on what's going on and have been amazing.  It's a bonus because they are technically my manager and the next level manager.  I got very lucky in that I consider them all true friends and work just happens to bring us together.

Outside of work, I've recently reunited with my HS best friend, who has two kids of her own with her husband.  It's been great reconnecting with her, since we practically lived in each other's pocket's from fifth grade until we went to different colleges and time had it's way with us.  

Two other long term friends are childless for now, but supportive.  One has moved out of state to be with her boyfriend, the other is local, and we get together about once a month, the out of state friend joining us on occasion.

The last of my support group is my dear friend J, who I've only known for a few years.  She's funny and sweet, and 100% supportive.  She's going to make a great "aunt".

I keep saying that they're all supportive, and I really mean it.  I haven't had anyone who thinks I'm making a mistake.  At worst, they've reminded me that it's not an easy path to be a single mother, but then they've thrown themselves into supporting me.

What You Want to Know (Part One)

 So I'm trying to figure out what I'd like to know if I were in your shoes, a woman deciding if she is going to make an adoption plan or what she's going to do.  I'm sure you'd want your baby to grow up safe, happy, and loved.  I can promise the third, and will do my best on the first two.  

But after that... well, I turned to Lifelong for guidance, and found something that can at least serve as a starting point.  

How do you imagine spending time with your child?

To answer this, I end up looking back to how I spent time with my parents growing up, because I'd like to have the same sorts of memories with my child. 

Mom, Dad, Baby Bro, and Myself at our Favorite Breakfast Place (2001-ish?)
(Despite our expressions, I promise that we did actually like each other!)

Weekends were, of course, my favorite time.  Saturdays were usually the day that Mom and Dad took us out to breakfast.  It was good bonding time, because we could all just sit down and relax- no one had to cook.  I think that was the start of "four wall conversations", when we were able to talk about anything and everything, with the understanding that it was not to go beyond the walls of the room- or restaurant- that we were in.  It wasn't until I was much older that I was realized how truly special those mornings were- I don't know of very many families who regularly sat down and spent time together, or who could talk about anything.  (Incidentally, those breakfasts continued until well after I'd moved out, with my brother too.  Dad always says, it was his way of making sure we had at least one meal a week, but I know he really just missed us.)

After breakfast, Saturdays were usually chore days.  It was a mix of house cleaning, yard work, laundry, and usually a project or two.  At different times while growing up, my parents refinished the kitchen, the family room, a bathroom, built a storage cabinet, a shed, and more, all on top of the other minor repairs that the house needed.  My brother and I absolutely hated the weekends where we had to go to the home supply stores, because we knew it meant another project that we would be helping with instead of playing or doing our own thing.  Looking back, I think it was a smart move by my parents- we learned how much work it was to have a home, and what it took to keep it in a condition to be proud of, and we definitely learned a lot of skills.  

Some weekends we would go with my parents to help with their local volunteer group.  The club sponsored a park in the city we lived in, and we had several weekends where we helped put in playground equipment.  Other years we would help when the club was running an event, and sometimes the extended family would be there to help too.  I played the Easter Bunny for a few years, and was very disappointed when I outgrew the costume and had to give it up.  My brother took over from me after that, and I acted as his guard, helping him out when the kids became overzealous.  As we got older, we continued helping out but acted in different ways- we did everything from directing traffic to serving food to setting up tables.  Mom and Dad thought it important that we served the community we live in, and I hope to share that with my child some day.  

My current favorite volunteer opportunity- Kids Coalition Against Hunger, with Dad and two friends from work.  

On the weekends where there was nothing going on, we'd frequent the library and book stores.  I mentioned it before, but we all loved reading, and none of us left the house without a book or something to read. 

We were also card players- a variety of games, but as my brother and I got older, we started playing double deck pinochle with my parents, and even now we'll sometimes pull out the cards to play on a quiet day.  

I really hope that my child will look back with the same fondness one day.  I am okay if they don't remember every detail of their days, as long as they remember it with an overall sense of "good".  

Mental Preparations

To anyone who knows me, it will be no surprise that my first thought when I officially decided to pursue adoption was to turn to a book.  I am slow to make decisions, but once I do, I throw myself into it and in this case it was no different.  I went online to the used bookstore and ordered 13 different books about adoption and babies.  Everything from "The Mayo Clinic Your First Year" to "Single Mothers by Choice: A Guidebook for Single Women Who Are Considering or Have Chosen Motherhood" to "Raising Adopted Children, Revised Edition: Practical Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent".   Then I went and bought a few more

I read all but two of them cover to cover, and still take a look once in a while to see if I can find any others that sound interesting.  I've pruned my collection to get rid of some of the books that seemed obsolete or were not helpful, and am down to about ten books that I thought were at least in part worth keeping for reference.  

Some of the "keep" books- I have one other packed in my baby "go" bag in case I need to rush to a hospital somewhere; another is in my re-read pile.  One or two that I really liked regarding deciding if you should or should not adopt I passed on to my home study person, figuring that it might help someone else.  And I have a stack to be donated out in the garage.

I'm a big believe in reading to prepare for things.  I may not remember the details from each of the books I read, but if something odd happens it may ring a bell and keep me from panicking when Baby has odd colored bowel movements.  I just need to pull out the book that talked about it, and I'll find a chart that tells me what colors are normal, what colors are a concern, and what colors mean to head to the ER.  (Which does not mean I won't be calling the doctor anyway, it may just keep me busy while waiting for the call to connect!)

Likewise, one of the books about adopted children went through some of the common questions that children ask, and how to help them understand depending on their age.  That one I kept and will be returning to for guidance as they grow older and are looking for different kinds of answers.  (How I answer is also something that will depend a lot on what you want, too.)

I've read a variety of books about parenting, and am still in the process of getting through some of them.  Most of the books make it sound like their idea is perfect, and easy, and just great.  But there's a difference between theory and reality.  For example, I like the idea of Montessori style learning, but some of it seems a bit too much.  (Let them have a pitcher where they can fill their own water cup? Great.  Let them have a glass cup that will shatter on the floor and possibly cut them?  That's not something I'm quite so sure about.)  So, while they have some really great, unique ideas, I don't think it's the right fit for every kid, and I'm not sure it's the right fit for me as a parent.

How to discipline your child?  You hear all about "gentle parenting", where you are supposed to be compassionate and set boundaries for your child.  But I feel like there are some children where that wouldn't quite work well.  I do feel like the ideas behind it make sense- children can't always control what they're feeling and how they react to it.  But I'm not sure about how to "gently parent" your child into getting ready for bed when they want to play outside in the snow.  Or when they're sick and need to go to the doctor's but don't want to cooperate to put shoes on- I can't pretend I will have the patience to always wait out their stubbornness, it's not realistic.

So I think I'm going to take a bit of everything and try to make my own way.  I read one book that was talking about consent, and treating your child like a person.  So before picking up an infant, talk to them so they know to expect it.  They may not understand the words, but they'll eventually understand when they hear you say "Rise and Shine!", they're going to be picked up.  

They'll have a pitcher of water to get their own drink from when they're old enough, but it will be a sturdy material that won't break.  

I'll be trying to let the baby eat without going through the baby food stage- I've read enough to believe that the mushy baby foods that are all over the grocery stores are probably not the best route.  I'm even optimistic that they'll eat the same foods I do- but when I mentioned this to a friend the other night, she was trying hard not to laugh at me, so I'm also expecting that things may not go according to my grand plan, and I may end up serving a lot more chicken nuggets and mac' and cheese than I would ideally like to.  

In short, I guess I'm trying to prepare mentally for this by just thinking about things, reading and researching, but also trying to plan to have the plan go off the rails.  The baby will be a person, not a doll, and who knows how it is really going to go?

Daily Life

I work full time for a large insurance agency. I have the luxury of an amazing boss and flexibility in working from home or in office, whatever I choose.  I will have six weeks parental leave to get to know the baby, and will probably use a lot of my PTO days to extend that time.  

When I do have to go back to work (and I'm already dreading leaving the baby!), my mom has agreed that she'll babysit 2-3 days a week.  The other days I am planning to set up childcare arrangements with a dear family friend who runs an in home day care.  She's known my family for 30 years and is amazing with kids.

My co-workers are very flexible and I know it wouldn't be an issue if there were any issues that would require me to leave work early or miss a day for my child.  

As soon as my child is old enough, and assuming I think they're ready, I would want to get my child into a pre-school.  I loved it when I was younger, and so did my brother.  It will be a great way to introduce them to the structure of a school-like environment.   

Once they're ready to start kindergarten they'll go to the local elementary school, which is a bit less than a mile from home by car, but less than half a mile on foot.  Depending on the weather we'll walk or drive to school together, and then Mom and Dad or I will return later in the day to pick them up. 

We'll spend some time together, maybe doing homework, and from there we'll head to the kitchen and make dinner together.  I would want my daughter or son to participate in making dinner at least once a week so they wouldn't have to live on take out when they eventually move out as an adult, but if it wasn't something they enjoyed doing with me I'd let them play while I cooked the rest of the time. 

I played t-ball and later softball as a child, and at other times of the year I did ballet or jazz or even hula dancing.  My brother tried karate and soccer.  We were both involved with the scouts for several years.  I would encourage my child to try an activities like that once they're old enough.  I don't want to have them involved in so many activities they don't have time to play, so I will keep an eye on things to make sure they aren't too overwhelmed.  Kids need time to play more than they need to have their time filled with activities.

Other than hoping that my child will be healthy and happy, I try not to imagine too many specifics beyond their young years- the things we do together will depend very much on what they're interested. 

I will hold out hope that we share common interests - reading, crafting, travelling - but if they turn into an outdoor loving hiker, well, I will buy hiking boots so I can support them. 

Places to Go, People to See...

When I was a kid, my parents took my brother and I on a number of trips.  Going to Florida was fairly regular for us since I had a set of Grandparents who lived down there for many years.   One of the neatest trips down there, Grammie and Bumpa (yes, that's what we called them!) took my brother and I down through the Keys, and we checked out all of the interesting places in the Everglades and saw alligators and more, plus a lot of time on the beaches.  (We learned quickly to load up on sunscreen!)

My other grandparents lived "up north", so we would spend a lot of weekends up there at their house, often with the rest of the family joining in.  They had a little place in the middle of a forest, so we wandered around under the trees, built a fort and practically lived out there in the summer.  

That side of the family was big on camping, so for several years in a row we'd all gather at a campsite for a week or so and just spend time together.  We Michiganders are big on card games, and we spent hours playing games like Spoons and Euchre.  I hope that I'm able to take my child on trips like that- it was fun, and it was great to have that time with the family!  (Note to self- start watching for a sale on a two person tent!)

But I have other trips in mind too.  One of the things I've been daydreaming about in my journal is where I'd like to travel.  

If it's not obvious from the above- I have high hopes of traveling a lot!  Alaska, Italy, France, Thailand, Greece, and others are on my list, and I hope to be able to take a child to some of those places- at least once their old enough to appreciate it a bit!

Until they get to that age, I've also been trying to keep track of places I think a kid would really enjoy.  So far my list includes places like Dinosaur Valley State Park in Texas, Universal and Disney in Florida, the San Diego Zoo, and the Museum of Play in Rochester New York. 

I'm really looking forward to showing the world to my son or daughter- I hope they will one day want to help me plan a trip to a place that interests them too!