Mental Preparations

To anyone who knows me, it will be no surprise that my first thought when I officially decided to pursue adoption was to turn to a book.  I am slow to make decisions, but once I do, I throw myself into it and in this case it was no different.  I went online to the used bookstore and ordered 13 different books about adoption and babies.  Everything from "The Mayo Clinic Your First Year" to "Single Mothers by Choice: A Guidebook for Single Women Who Are Considering or Have Chosen Motherhood" to "Raising Adopted Children, Revised Edition: Practical Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent".   Then I went and bought a few more

I read all but two of them cover to cover, and still take a look once in a while to see if I can find any others that sound interesting.  I've pruned my collection to get rid of some of the books that seemed obsolete or were not helpful, and am down to about ten books that I thought were at least in part worth keeping for reference.  

Some of the "keep" books- I have one other packed in my baby "go" bag in case I need to rush to a hospital somewhere; another is in my re-read pile.  One or two that I really liked regarding deciding if you should or should not adopt I passed on to my home study person, figuring that it might help someone else.  And I have a stack to be donated out in the garage.

I'm a big believe in reading to prepare for things.  I may not remember the details from each of the books I read, but if something odd happens it may ring a bell and keep me from panicking when Baby has odd colored bowel movements.  I just need to pull out the book that talked about it, and I'll find a chart that tells me what colors are normal, what colors are a concern, and what colors mean to head to the ER.  (Which does not mean I won't be calling the doctor anyway, it may just keep me busy while waiting for the call to connect!)

Likewise, one of the books about adopted children went through some of the common questions that children ask, and how to help them understand depending on their age.  That one I kept and will be returning to for guidance as they grow older and are looking for different kinds of answers.  (How I answer is also something that will depend a lot on what you want, too.)

I've read a variety of books about parenting, and am still in the process of getting through some of them.  Most of the books make it sound like their idea is perfect, and easy, and just great.  But there's a difference between theory and reality.  For example, I like the idea of Montessori style learning, but some of it seems a bit too much.  (Let them have a pitcher where they can fill their own water cup? Great.  Let them have a glass cup that will shatter on the floor and possibly cut them?  That's not something I'm quite so sure about.)  So, while they have some really great, unique ideas, I don't think it's the right fit for every kid, and I'm not sure it's the right fit for me as a parent.

How to discipline your child?  You hear all about "gentle parenting", where you are supposed to be compassionate and set boundaries for your child.  But I feel like there are some children where that wouldn't quite work well.  I do feel like the ideas behind it make sense- children can't always control what they're feeling and how they react to it.  But I'm not sure about how to "gently parent" your child into getting ready for bed when they want to play outside in the snow.  Or when they're sick and need to go to the doctor's but don't want to cooperate to put shoes on- I can't pretend I will have the patience to always wait out their stubbornness, it's not realistic.

So I think I'm going to take a bit of everything and try to make my own way.  I read one book that was talking about consent, and treating your child like a person.  So before picking up an infant, talk to them so they know to expect it.  They may not understand the words, but they'll eventually understand when they hear you say "Rise and Shine!", they're going to be picked up.  

They'll have a pitcher of water to get their own drink from when they're old enough, but it will be a sturdy material that won't break.  

I'll be trying to let the baby eat without going through the baby food stage- I've read enough to believe that the mushy baby foods that are all over the grocery stores are probably not the best route.  I'm even optimistic that they'll eat the same foods I do- but when I mentioned this to a friend the other night, she was trying hard not to laugh at me, so I'm also expecting that things may not go according to my grand plan, and I may end up serving a lot more chicken nuggets and mac' and cheese than I would ideally like to.  

In short, I guess I'm trying to prepare mentally for this by just thinking about things, reading and researching, but also trying to plan to have the plan go off the rails.  The baby will be a person, not a doll, and who knows how it is really going to go?